Air Force Boy

I was never one of those little girls who sat around and planned her wedding, though I certainly did not lack imagination. I, as a child, was that scene from the Virgin Suicides where the boys find Cecilia's diary, and suddenly understand why girls' minds are so "active and dreamy". Instead of writing fairytale endings for myself, I'd imagine things that might happen...tomorrow. The next day. Two weekends from now, at my friend's coed birthday party. I wanted my future right then, and I truly believed that dwelling upon it would somehow send my wishes shooting towards the cosmos, leaving them to bide their time among the stars, waiting to materialize at the perfect second, when the lighting was just right.

As I mature, however, those cosmic wishes have turned from the immediate and transient to the even more immediate and lasting. That's why, when I met Air Force Boy almost a year ago, I was intrigued and subsequently fell...in lust.

Name: Air Force Boy
Age: 24
History: Met Spring 2007. Was allured by what an "older man" could offer.
The Catch: Air Force Boy will be the first to tell you that he's emotionally fucked. Two bad breakups + low self esteem = the dreaded yet typical male trust issues.

We're historically hot and cold, Air Force Boy and I. But lately, we've been on fire. And by lately, I mean before he unexpectedly and silently terminated all communication (yes, even my lowly instant messages were left ignored). But even before those shenanigans, AFB and I were just friends...

...Friends with possibilities.

Recently, he went from barely ever calling to calling nightly. Although we were officially "nothing", he presented all sorts of hypothetical situations to me during his nightly calls:

"What if" we were a couple and he was stationed overseas? Would I move for him? Would I be okay with not having a lavish wedding if his funds did not permit? (Answer: not even.) Although I'm a vegetarian, would I be willing to raise our children as (shudder) carnivores?

It seemed like it was all happening...24-year-old Air Force Boy liking with 19-year-old civilian girl. And, typical female behavior, I ate up his "what ifs" like a Whitman's sampler on your period. The idea of creating my very own fairy tale as soon as possible blinded me, and, there I was, orbiting the sun with my childhood wishes and dreams, allowing the deliciousness of it all to overcome me until I became...

...Oh so hopelessly optimistic.

The ignoring began on Wednesday, out of the blue. Or was it Tuesday? I can't say for sure. But, each call went unanswered. Voice messages, listened to I'm sure, but unacknowledged. Text messages, unreturned. Instant messages, all for naught. I even tried Facebook. And Facebook is NEVER supposed to let a girl down.

At one point, I even checked the obituaries of his hometown paper. No, I'm not joking. Call me psycho, but, at that point, I would have welcomed any explanation for his behavior.

Tonight, he drunkenly answered. He slurred a few lines about "not being able to commit to anything" and how I'm obviously "too good for him". I soberly cried out of pure frustration and disappointment. And, long story short, AFB may be able to commit himself to the United States' Government, but to a girl? Not in this deployment, sweetheart.

I've come to this realization: sometimes, we go to such great lengths, and for what? That frequent yet always brief glimmer of hope that we might have the chance to maybe find "that person"? That we, the desperate and forever lonely, could be the one tenth of one percent whose love lives effortlessly fall into place...dream house, dream career, perfect children, perfect spouse, enviable existence?

I suppose our minds are too "active and dreamy" to keep our feet so firmly planted, but must these inherent flaws be at the expense of our sanity?

Back at square one again,
R