First Mate and The Captain

After the Jew-Fro incident, I didn't think a more terrifying and laughable sexual experience could be had. But, as I've discovered the oh so hard way, the chance of an awkward sexual experience exponentially increases with each shot taken or beer chugged. My first Halloween as a college girl not only exemplifies this mathematical theory, but also made for one of my more entertaining stories to date.

Name: First Mate
Age: 18 or 19
History: You'll see.
The Catch: Again, this will soon become quite clear.

For Halloween, my best friend and I attended a party at a certain fraternity who occasionally throws exceptional events, but is fairly useless otherwise.

We were downstairs dancing on the bar when I was approached by First Mate, one of the brothers.

"Would you care to dance?" he asked me.

Before I continue, I'd like to preface the looming climax of this story by specifying my mental state: Jello shots. Jäger bombs. More shots. A trillion shotgunned beers. More jello shots. Extreme, extreme intoxication.

I had never seen First Mate before that evening, but from what I could tell in the dimly lit room, he was at least somewhat cute. And I was drunk. It was one of those nights.

I turned down his offer to dance because I could barely stand at that point and feared that any vigorous movement would cause me to blow chunks all over the floor...and I was not about to risk committing the most sinister of party fouls.

"Well, you want to sit down then?" he asked. I did. He motioned to a chair in the corner, clear across the room currently flooded with girls in corsets and animal ears, guys in scary masks, glow sticks, and trampled solo cups.

We made our way across the floor to the chair. He pulled me on to his lap.

"I like your costume," he mentioned, and proceeded to draw me in closer for a kiss.

I was drunk. He wasn't terrible looking. Why not? If only I had known the terrible turn of events that was to take place in the following minutes, I might have restrained myself.

As intoxication continued to set in, I grew dizzy. I told FM I needed some fresh air, so we stepped outside and sat in a secluded grassy knoll outside the frat house. We continued what had started inside when FM suddenly pulled away.

"There's someone I'd like you to meet," he informed me. He reached to unfasten his pants. "His name is The Captain, and he's been dying to meet you all night."

Yes. He was, in fact, referring to his penis.

"He just wants a kiss," he pouted. "Look, he's saluting you!" He undid his zipper.

Was this guy serious? Are there girls out there who are actually turned on by this shit?

To date, I consider this the most memorable pickup line I've encountered. No insight or wisdom with this one...just pure hilarity.

Hahahahahahahahaahahahah,
R